I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
please don't ironically join a cult
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