And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
