Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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