turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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