My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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