I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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