I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
