dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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