You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
