I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
