he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize