My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
