i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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