She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
