I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
