You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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