Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
