dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
