Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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