thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
