Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I had to cum in my sink.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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