My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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