Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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