Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
