after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
