I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
