Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
