We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
