I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize