If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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