Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
