Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Threesome in a minivan. New low
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize