I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
