he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
