someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
