Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
