every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
