Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
