My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
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