i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
