Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my being single is dangerous.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
