could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
