Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
