my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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