Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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