If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My ATM looks so different sober.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
