the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
