I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
