Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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