i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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