How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
