She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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