just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
