Cold hands, warm shart.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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