and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
