Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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