I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
