New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
