dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
