There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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