i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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